I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
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