you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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