I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
How's work?
Spinning.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
