would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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