if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
