i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Come on in and take your pants off
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