upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
