I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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