Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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