So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
