btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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