I think my fart just growled at me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
