You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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