Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
