dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
