I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
