New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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