I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
