I am puke
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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