I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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