a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
