this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
