My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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