I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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