ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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