She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
