Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
