Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
