If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
