she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
