OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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