I should be sponsored by Trojan
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
