Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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