Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
