I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
