He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
