I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
