I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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