He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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