I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
