When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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