I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
The ass gains better be worth it
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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