I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
