if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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