Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
