You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
