I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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