dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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