I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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