I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
