i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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